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I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Walmart and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

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One from 1990s

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to

take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my

desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the

last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong

number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.



When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and

hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell,"You're a

jackass!" It would always cheer me up.


Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real

Disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one

day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, Hello." I made

up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm

just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"



He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.


I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"


The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if

there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.


Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]



The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking

space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began

to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a

little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's

finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the

parking sle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started

honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward

the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a

jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.



I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote

down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days

later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone

after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to

call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone

number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd

better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and

said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"


"Yes, it is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's

parked right out front."



I said, "What's your name?"



"My name is Don Hansen."


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home in the evenings."


"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"



"Yes,"


"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.


After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while

things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two

jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling

the ackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used

to be I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.


First, had my phone dial Jackass #1.


A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."



I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.


The jackass said, "Are you still there?"


I said, "Yeah."


He said, "Stop calling me."


I said, "No."


He said, "What's your name, Pal?"



I said, "Don Hansen."



He said "Where do you live?"


"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out

front."


"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.


Then I called Jackass #2.


He answered, "Hello."


I said, "Hello, Jackass!"



He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt."


"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.


Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802

West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got

home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down 1802

W.34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th

Street to watch the whole thing.


Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the bad out of each

other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, just call me, I taped it off the evening news.

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