"Experts uncover mystery cause of Gold price fluctuations".
"Experts at Roysters news agency are quoted as saying that experts have discovered a strong link between recent price volatility on the Comex, and a little known British website where a kingpin price manipulator has been operating with impunity up until last night."
"The website in question is now at the centre of an international storm after it was discovered that a character known simply as "Paul", had been affecting the price of gold by repeatedly "asking for a friend".
"It's not yet clear as to the full extent of Paul's manipulation, but it is clear according to experts, that he is the sole reason for the volatility seen in the Gold price over the last few trading sessions. It would also appear that his diabolical scheme was set up many many years ago, and that his coordinating thread indicates clear premeditation and foresight to his crimes. Our experts also told us that his drunken antics last night were carefully designed to affect the price of Gold, and that the drop in price which is currently playing out this morning may not end until he get's out of bed with a severe hangover and regrets it."
"In the meantime, Central Banks are doing the best that they can to weather the storm. The UK has announced that it is resisting "a strong urge to flog the nation's savings down the local pawn shop at half price", with a treasury spokesman saying that whilst they didn't want to sell the nations reserves, they definitely wouldn't let it sag as far as Brown's bottom before selling this time."
"The world is currently holding its breathe and awaiting Paul's return. Fears persist of further falls during the Asian session, with little chance that Paul will wake from his drunken stupor any time before lunch."